A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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