so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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