I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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