She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
