I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
