Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
