You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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