next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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