so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
