All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
