I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
