I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
