Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
