I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
