My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
