I wish I could teleport
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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