who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
