also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
