I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
did i walk over a car last night?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
