my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
