I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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