I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
