dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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