if you like me you must not know who I am
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Come on in and take your pants off
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