I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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