I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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