Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
