Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
