Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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