Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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