I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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