Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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