I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
