sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
