Yo dont text me then not text me
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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