i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
