every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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