Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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