This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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