I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
