I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize