We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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