I saw his package. It spoke to me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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