I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
