Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
