i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
