I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
