I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
