Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
