Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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