I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize