Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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