he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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