Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
