His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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