Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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