Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
