Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
