There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
