I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
