i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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